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Wiener Jokes

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FOR WIENER LOVERS WITH A FUNNY BONE

THE WIENER AND THE LEOPARD

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.

So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dachshund happened to spy him heading after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Soon the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and he thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear the dachshund, he said--

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

THE WORKING WIENER

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his German shepherd, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his collie could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his chocolate Lab could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his Dachshund and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, had his way with the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever - The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie - Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND - You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler - Make me.

Boxer - Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab - Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeae, please, please, please!

German Shepherd - I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog - Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

Cocker Spaniel - I'm too cute to change a light bulb.

Tibetan Terrier - Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua - Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer - I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

Greyhound - It isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Shepherd - First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle - I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



THE WIENER AND THE GORILLA

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. The man asks what the items are for.

He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

THE WIENER AND THE WARNING

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old dachshund asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

THE WIENER AND THE BUTCHER

A butcher in his shop, the owner notices a Dachshund standing at the counter in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the Dachshund is back again. So he goes over to the Dachshund and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages please. The Dachshund has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill as well. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages in a bag and places it in the Dachshund's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to close the shop and follow the Dachshund. So off he goes. The Dachshund is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The Dachshund puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The Dachshund then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The Doxie checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The Dachshund walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the Dachshund goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the Doxie looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his saugages still in the bag in his mouth. Well, Dachshund and butcher are walking along the road, and then the Dachshund turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - Whap! - against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and - Whap! - throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the Dachshund goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the Dachshund. Yelling, ranting, and such at the little Doxie. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ? That Dachshund is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven's sake!", to which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week that hW's forgotten his key."

THE WIENER AND THE MOVIE

I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dachsie cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachsie laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."